So today I was thinking.

Change... what about change... when did I realize that I had made a significant change in my life?
It's like, change was always something I wanted to do, but couldn't seem to find a motive for it, a reason. I always thought "If i could just change this, or do this, or be this, whatever, everything will be different, things will go away." Well, let me be the first to say that old problems don't go away magically, you don't suddenly forget about what you've done in your past or had happen to you, but you certainly do get a whole new feel for life.

I think it's odd that the thing that influenced my change the most was months in my past before it made the impact that it did.  I knew that it should've changed my life, ever since the experience. But it didn't seem to sink in till later. When I first got back from SHINE, it was like "this is the way I should be living, and omg it's so much fun/so great." But I never really took it and applied it to life. I just came off as someone who really liked that type of thing and at least ASPIRING to be that way. I really wasn't that "way" yet. I think it took the realization of "this is a fun way to be, I had a great time" and whatnot to "I can LIVE this way and share this to other people and SHOW them why this is right." Before, I never would've wanted anyone to have to live the way I was. It was that "everyone-knows-you-but-for-the-wrong-reasons" type of life. Life meant next to nothing to me anymore. It was just seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, passing for no reason. There was no substance behind it. So when did the change happen? I honestly couldn't tell you. I just remember endless nights in tears searching for the Truth, trying to find that "something" that was SO CLOSE yet so far away from me. I remember first discovering how to take the lessons in the Bible and apply them to my life. I remember finally picking up all those religious books my Godmother had been giving me since I was little. I remember sitting in Church with my whole heart and soul into each and every action that I made. I remember kneeling during the Consecration, my life wholly at that moment to the Lord, and suddenly feeling a call to serve Him through ministry. I remember that first XLT I listened to on lifeteen.com... "dealing with fear..." the title alone was what made me listen, and I cried my way through the entire talk, seeing the truth in all of the words spoken. I remember Adoration at Steubenville and SHINE, when the preciousness of my life I first saw for real. I remember first being called "overly religious" and wondering why? And now it's all so real for me. It's the way I want to live. And so without me even consciously seeing it, change had made its way into my life. I viewed life through new eyes, and no matter what I wasn't going to change.

I knew that all my problems were not gone, but instead, I felt a new courage to face them and in a completely new way. I was no longer going to be the depressed girl whose grades were slipping as was her joy for life and even happiness with herself... I was going to be different. I was going to live the way I knew all along that I should, the way I had searched for for so very long.

I was thinking (this can't be good) about how I'm sooo much different than the person that I was last year. And I'm so proud of that. I don't even know how to describe who I was last year. And part of the reason I'm so different, is that I started this (school) year with the "tell no one, no one finds out, I can just be myself" attitude. And it worked.... for a while. Then things started happening, and there was no one there. And no one I could learn to trust, learn to tell. And now I'm starting to feel things so similar to what I felt last year, and I don't want to ever end up back there again, but now all those things seem so rational. Those old fears I'd tried to ignore, they need to be told to someone. All these things I feel, need to be told to someone. These things that have happened, someone needs to know. But it's almost like I've completely scared myself out of the idea of talking to anyone, of letting anyone know what's happening. I need help, and I don't know how to reach out and get it, because I'm too scared of what might happen.

If anyone has figured something out or has a genius revelation, leave a comment or call the cell (713 492 3224) I'm up for just about anything now.

ooohhh yay. no school.
this should be fun.

Mom's refusing to go on vacation with us. she doesn't want to spend any more time with us than she already has to, is what's she's telling us.

I think she's found some stuff i've written too, she's acting really weird, like i'm being completely ignored.

rawr.